This special edition features a foil-stamped paper over board cover, stenciled sprayed edges, and bonus content!
Amber Smith’s extraordinary, New York Times bestselling, TikTok sensation debut novel “is a heart-twisting, but ultimately hopeful, exploration of how pain can lead to strength” (The Boston Globe) about a teenager struggling to cope in the aftermath of being assaulted.
Eden has always been good at being good. Starting high school doesn’t change that. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.
What was once simple is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened, but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.
Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, and of friendships broken and rebuilt, all while learning to embrace the power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.
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"I love this book- I couldn’t put it down and had to force myself to take breaks (which is rare for me)"
— Hope (5/5)
cried
"i cried so hard honestly if you need to get rid of your makeup read this book"
— Alexis (5/5)
Emotional and empowering.
"Genuinely emotional and empowering book. Definitely recommend reading to anyone who is looking for a book full of strong emotions."
— Stvr (5/5)
Must read!
"Very well written, couldn’t put it down! Definitely recommend!"
— Crystal (5/5)
The title makes sense quickly into the book as you can see how quickly the main characters perspective begin to fall
"The writing was so good i felt physically sick between edens struggles with her image and her struggles with those around her you entirely got into her mind, the writing makes you feel so involved, helps you to completely understand and feel things you never thought to think of. This book was an easy read immediately grabbing your attention from the first page and is something I would recommend to many people as it is something that can hit close to home for many people."
— Haven (5/5)
Powerful story
"Such a powerful and beautiful novel. Touches on dark topics but brings awareness to the fact you never truly know what someone is going through. Overall truly empowering and life changing"
— Abby (5/5)
If someone ever says «no one will believe you»- don’t trust them and speak out!
"The story revolves around a girl named Eden, who goes through a deep and painful trauma—something that, sadly, could happen to anyone. She got raped by a person who she was thinking could never hurt her, worst of all he was her brother’s best friend, that usually stick to their family, making it harder to speak out because of how family trusted him. The first book shows how she suffers in silence, without telling anyone what happened. For four years, she sleeps in a sleeping bag, and no one around her seems to notice—this detail alone provides a strong emotional impact. It’s heartbreaking how the people closest to her, including her parents, completely overlook the signs that something is wrong. Toward the end of the book, Eden starts calling her parents by their first names and communicates only through written notes. This moment feels like a complete emotional separation from her family. But then when police came and cards were opened(not that fast but still) will she get justices ? What gonna happen next. - to find out read the books-«the way I used to be» and «the way I am now» by Amber Smith. I found the first book deeply emotional. It’s easy to read in terms of language, but hard to take in because of the painful subject matter—it really stays with you. If you read the first book, you’ll definitely want to read the second one, because it brings healing to both the reader and the story. Amber Smith has an incredible ability to make readers truly feel the characters’ pain, and then gently guide them toward healing. It’s a rare skill—to create such a powerful emotional experience, and then bring peace to the heart in such a natural way. The story will stay with you long after you finish reading."
— Booklover (4/5)
The way i used to be.
"This book was very emotional but I absolutely lobed every shed tear. This is a brilliantly written book full of raw emotion. Definitely recommend."
— Spartan (5/5)
I was grateful when I found out there's a sequel. . . .
"I was close to giving it a full 5 stars!!! Such an incredible book that was tough to read at certain moments but worth getting through. The novel tackles mental health, friendship, family, and much more. I found many different moments relatable. I loved that it was separated into four parts; freshman through senior year. Although some moments that I was waiting for were hit towards the end of the novel I was left with questions. I was grateful to find out that theres a sequel. . . . I will be buying asap!!!"
— Native P. (4/5)
One of the saddest books
"Heartbreaking story. She did not deserve what happened to her, and the fact no one ever noticed how different she became was insane. I 100% recommend reading this novel."
— Ruby (5/5)
Q&A
Date de publication : Dec 02, 2025
Langue : anglais
Nombre de pages : 416
Éditeur : Margaret K. McElderry Books
ISBN : 9798347101443
Dimensions :
5.5" W x
1.1" L x
8.25" H
"Readers will root for her as she gathers the courage, at last, to speak up."
Amber Smith is the New York Times, USA TODAY, and internationally bestselling author of the young adult novels The Way I Used to Be, The Last to Let Go, Something Like Gravity, Fade into You, and The Way I Am Now. An advocate for increased awareness of gendered violence and LGBTQIA+ equality, she writes in the hope that her books can help foster change and spark dialogue. She lives in Ithaca, New York, with her wife and their ever-growing family of rescued dogs and cats. You can find her online at AmberSmithAuthor.com.
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